A Fair Shot Heard ‘Round the World

State of the Union addresses have never been my thing, from the artificial standing ovation that eventually spreads to both sides of the aisle to the shameless, pompous politicking of not only the President, but of the many after speech commentaries provided by politicians for and against, as well as the almost infinite number of TV talking heads that think they’re smarter than us. Keith Olbermann or Bill O’Reilly, anyone? Child, please.

As a kid, I used to tell my parents that if a network had the stones to put entertainment programming on against the State of the Union, they would kill in the ratings. Sure, such a move would severely hamper the reputation of a network’s news division, but since when does the news pay the bills at a network?

President Obama’s address on Tuesday night didn’t disappoint my low expectations. He certainly got my attention, although perhaps not in the manner that his team of speech writers might have intended. “We can restore an economy where everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the same set of rules.”

Cue record scratching.

What was that? (Hit rewind on DVR)

Fair shot?

Have we collectively sunk so low as to where we’re bemoaning needing a “fair shot?” Seriously, since when do Americans sit back and cry about wanting a fair shot? This country was built by people who proactively took the shots and called the shots. That’s why most of us moved here, and more of us do every single day.

Our American heroes, both real and fictionalized, are ones who overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles and persevered, fighting through, and eventually accomplishing goals and fulfilling dreams. From Walter Mitty to John Wayne, from Henry Ford to Warren Buffet, from Famous Amos to maybe you, we’re a country about go-getters and action, accountability and responsibility. For the love of God, we didn’t collectively sit through six Sylvester Stallone portraits of Rocky for nothing, did we?

Now, this isn’t a Republican versus Democratic in an election year rant, although full disclosure will have me tell you I didn’t vote for our current president last time around. Full disclosure will also suggest that doesn’t mean I won’t vote for him this time around, for there’s ample time to decide who’s best prepared to lead our country to where it needs to go, and at this point in time I am very open minded and undecided. But, this I’m certain of: we don’t need any talk about “fair shots.”

You get no more fair shot in this world than in America. If you don’t believe it, get yourself some luggage, perhaps a U-Haul or something, and get out and try it someplace else. Just do yourself the favor of not burning your bridges, because you most likely will be coming back.

America has been, and continues to be, the land of opportunity. Only, there is one requirement to seize upon all the potential out there waiting for you. It’s simple. Go grab it. Get off your lazy, pampered, self-entitled ass and work hard.

Sorry to break it to you, but Andy Warhol was wrong. Everyone is not going to be famous for fifteen minutes. You won’t have a camera crew follow you around like you’re a second-coming of the Kardashians. You won’t answer the door one day and open it to a letter informing you that you just inherited $100 million from a long-lost relative.

Success is predicated on smart, hard work. Now, “occupying” some place is certainly hard work – who wants to live in a cardboard box in the middle of winter, relieving yourself in the bushes, and searching daily for an AC outlet? But, it’s not smart. Instead of using your iPad - poor, pitiful, hopeless disenchanted 99%-er, with your glorified toys and 4G necessity of a phone – to poke your network of not-so-friendly friends into joining a pointless protest, how about using it to network for a … wait for it … a job? One that pays you for your work. Use those same skills of organization and communication and put them to work in a productive manner.

Making your own shot, calling your own shots, and making success happen will allow you to one day pay taxes to accommodate the next generation of even more self-righteous, self-entitled knuckleheads who embark on costly protests of the mean, hard, un-fair life of Americans.

President Obama, if you want to earn my vote, you need to change your messaging, and actually just slightly. I don’t want to give anyone a “fair shot,” for I don’t want to further a habit of giving. Give a knucklehead a fish, feed the knucklehead for a day; teach the knucklehead to fish, feed the knucklehead for a lifetime. Forget talk about giving a “fair shot.” Rather, let’s equip our citizens with the tools and go-get-‘em attitude to take advantage of the plentiful shots, opportunities, that are so readily available, there for the taking save for a little work ethic and determination.

And for those you waiting for your “fair shot,” please, grow up and take a little responsibility. Don’t be afraid to scrap your knuckles and strain your back. Go find your passion, reach your potential, and live your life. It’s not going to be given to you by a benevolent, paternalistic government. Rather, it’s already there, like a buried treasure. It’s up to you to pick up the shovel and find it.

I’m waiting to take you best shot on Twitter @RayHartjen

Crossing the border with Borderline Personality Disorder

The other day I read with interest an article on Miami Dolphins receiver Brandon Marshall, a talented football player with a penchant for on- and off-field issues. His antics aren’t exactly “news,” as they seem common place for the divas that play wide receiver in the National Football League – surly attitude with the media, a “me first” disposition, arguments with coaches about how many “looks” he gets each game, and the increasingly occasional legal run-in, including domestic disputes with significant others; in Marshall’s case actually getting stabbed by his wife.

Yes, the typical ho-hum, every day story of an over-paid, pampered athlete, save one noticeable addition. You see, recently, Marshall announced he has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

WTF?

“Borderline” personality disorder? By name alone, it’s defined as not being a full-fledged personality disorder, or maybe not a personality disorder at all, just creeping up towards disorder, but staying tantalizingly just south of the border. “Borderline” connotes an uncertainty, a maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, and seems like the ultimate clincial hedging of bets.

There’s no “borderline” in science, outside of hypotheses being put to the test and either proven or disproven. How ridiculous would “borderline pregnant” be? Or, maybe borderline diabetic? Borderline heart disease any better?

Child, please.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD for those who think it actually exists) could possibly be the ultimate 20th/21st century creation designed to make people feel comfortable by shirking responsibility, blaming something, anything, even if made up on the spot, for their boorish, anti-social, uncivilized behavior. It is the euphemistic way of saying, “I’m a douche bag with no personal accountability.”

In clinical terms, “disorder” and “disease” are often used interchangeably by doctors, of which I’m not one, of course, although my hand writing and proclivities toward inflated self-worth and egotism make me qualified, if not actually board certified in many states. Neither term implies underlying causes, although “disease” implies permanence, invariance, and non-subjectivity; hence, therefore, Borderline Personality Disorder, not disease.

Disorder is the new wave term of recent popularity. Disorders relieve sufferers of the stigma of having a disease, as if having a disease made one a member of the untouchable caste. WikiAnswers will tell you that “disorders” are often used for illnesses where the origin, duration, or physiological basis is relatively unknown.

Okay, to be fair, what do I know about medicine, other than what I’ve learned from watching “House” and learning terms like “lumbar puncture?” I might not know much of medicine, but I do know about branding, and BPD’s biggest problem is branding.

The National Education Alliance Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD) – uh, see what I mean about a “branding problem” – is tasked with educating the public on the “disorder’ and advancing both diagnoses and treatments. In the words of the NEABPD, Borderline Personality Disorder was officially recognized by the psychiatric community in 1980 and is more than two decades behind in research, treatment options, and family psycho-education compared to other major psychiatric disorders.

You know, real disorders.

According to the organization, BDP affects up to 5.9% of adults (14 million Americans), is more common than schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and is prevalent in 20% of inpatients at psychiatric hospitals and 10% of outpatients. Brandon Marshall himself cites research that 35% of male prison inmates suffer from it.

If the NEABDP really wants to raise the profile of BDP, might I suggest first changing the name – you got to do something about the “borderline” part. For anybody not looking for an excuse for his or her behavior, the name suggests a reach at best, a sham at worst. I mean, c’mon, if BDP was a real disorder that affected the psychological well-being of individuals, wouldn’t we have given it a way better name, something with credibility and appropriate severity, not something that just begs people to discount as a bunch of rubbish?

Moreover, aside from the branding opportunity, there’s the need for a public relations campaign to dig out of the hole BDP’s national celebrity spokesperson, Mr. Marshall, relentlessly shovels, for him and his fellow afflicted. A skeptical, cynical society – okay, forget society, it might just be me – will be prone to dismiss a diagnosis of BDP as an easy out for social misfits like Marshall to make excuses for their behavior, the safety net of “it’s not my fault, I have a medical condition, or least a disorder, or, rather, perhaps a ‘borderline’ disorder” ready-made excuse.

Brandon, regardless of whether you have BDP or not, don’t think it’s a waiver freeing you from responsibility. Excuses are like asses; not only does everyone have one, but also using the former is being the latter. What you do, your behavior, is who you are, and it’s as simple as that. The eleven calls Douglas County (Colorado) deputies made to you home between January 2006 and July 2008 gives us hints as to your character. Your five arrests and driving without a license incident, all since 2004, tell even more.

True, the world is not always black and white. But, it’s a lot more darker and lighter gray than our society often cares to admit. No “borderline” about it.

Of course, as you know, I’m often mistaken; that’s just this guy’s opinion.

Diagnose my many disorders on Twitter @RayHartjen.

Guilty of guilty pleasures

It used to be through all the trials and tribulations life brought, the collective American psyche was calmed with one reassuring thought - the next generation would be better off than the current. From the first settlers at Plymouth Rock to Tom Brokaw’s “greatest generation” and beyond, it was proven true, as the mean and median standard of living grew, and America became the land where dreams came true.


No longer. Modern day America has lost that once soothing antidote and is now faced with the very real possibility that the next generation will actually be worse off than its predecessors. Those who are parents, try sleeping well after reading that.

Yesterday, Standard & Poor’s downgraded its rating of the United States’ credit to that of AA+. It’s the first time ever that the U.S.’s credit rating has not been AAA. Some knuckleheads might think, “Hey, AA+ isn’t bad.” Let me remind them that AA+ is the same rating Spain has. Now, don’t get me wrong, for I love Spain. It’s a beautiful country with beautiful people, with the exception, perhaps, of some of the mouth breathers around Bilboa. But, as great a place as Spain is, its economy has it teetering on becoming the Greece of Western Europe. Oh, wait a second, I suppose the title of “the Greece of Western Europe” is rightfully taken by Ireland. So, maybe Spain can aspire to be Ireland South.

Nonetheless, I digress.

S&P’s rating came one day after the Dow cratered, losing 512 points on Thursday and wiping out all the gains of the year thus far, the worse one day showing since the global economic crisis of 2008. So, what prompted all the bad economic news? Believe it or not, it was the “good news” of our federal legislative leaders coming to an agreement on a debt ceiling. As S&P stated in its report, “The political brinkmanship of recent months highlights what we see as America’s governance and policymaking becoming less stable, less effective and less predictable than what we previously believed.”

In our culture, we certainly love our heroes. But more so than admiring heroes, we practically live to stick it to our villains, and love to attach blame whenever we can. We’re finger pointers – if not always directly at someone/some group, then the finger is straight upright in self-righteous defiance.

Economists, or at least most of them, will tell you that deficit spending by government is a good economic stimulus and an engine for growth, but only when done somewhat in moderation. Now, you don’t need me to tell you that the United States has never been particularly adept at moderation.

Ever.

In anything.

As citizens, we should be wary of pointing fingers of blame toward politicians. We need to remember the politicians in Washington are just like us, if maybe a bit more stupid and morally bankrupt, and certainly more conniving and shirking of personal accountability. Remember, we vote them into office, for crying out loud.

You see, as we point a finger toward Washington D.C., we neglect to see the three other fingers of our hands pointing backward to us. How can we blame the President, the Senate, and Congress for not being able to make tough choices and curtail spending when we can’t seem to do the same ourselves?

Behold, we collectively pledge our allegiance to the United States of Consumers.

Now, consumerism can be good, and it can bring a certain degree of comfort. That’s okay if we happen to consume the things we in turn make. Our problems stem in both sides of the equation – we consume much, much too much and we make … well, do we make anything at all anymore?

Take a look around at all your stuff. Is any of it made in America? If it is, say like a shitty car, do you secretly, or not so secretly as the case may be, harbor desires for a nicer competitive product made overseas?

Deficit spending is easy and a self-fulfilling prophecy when we don’t make anything anymore. Most Americans are “paper pushers,” but, guess what, there’s not even paper anymore. We’re really just email senders and receivers. About the only thing we do really well is check in on Foursquare when we go shopping. Oh, and serve each other over priced meals and drinks.

One simple statistic to show us just how messed up our country is. It’s $100,000. That’s the pay some barely functional retard named Snooki gets per episode of Jersey Shore. Why? Because 10.7 million other barely functional retards in the US actually watch each episode, what when they’re not busy keeping up with whoever the f&*$ the Kardashians are.

I feel depressed and more than a bit dirty just typing that paragraph.

I know, I know. Some of you Jersey Shore, Kardashian-loving lunatics are thinking we all deserve a guilty pleasure.

My one word retort: Starbucks.

Starbucks (NASDAQ: SBUX) is a $27.5 billion company built upon nothing but guilty pleasures. Yes, dear reader, a $4 coffee is a guilty pleasure a-plenty, and many Americans have their “guilty pleasure” quota box pleasure checked off by 9:30 am. By the way, Starbucks is only a $27.5 billion company because it shed over $3 billion in market capitalization as the financial markets shook last week. Anyway you cut $27.5 billion, that’s a lot of guilty pleasure.

More guilty pleasures? How about TVs? It used to be TVs were passed down from generation to generation, literally written into last wills and testaments. Now, we have industries, foreign of course, built on providing us new TVs to buy every four and half years. I would dare say all of us know of at least one neighbor or friend, if not ourselves, that has a TV in the garage.

If you have more than one TV for every person in the household – that’s a guilty pleasure.

Cars. Ever see a home foreclosed but a relatively new luxury car or sports sedan in the driveway? Guilty pleasure.

More cars than licensed drivers in the house? Guilty pleasure.

Think I skipped over the foreclosed home? Not so fast, my friends. Since 2007, news stories of strawberry pickers taking out, and defaulting on, jumbo mortgages have become rather commonplace.

Not all defaulted loans result in foreclosures. We’re seeing some rather new phenomena as evidenced with some southern California fires. Remember in decades past there would be news footage of homeowners sitting on their houses fighting the encroaching flames with garden hoses? We tend not to see such video footage anymore. I would like to think it’s because we have gotten a whole heck of a lot smarter. But, come on, you know the skeptics and realists of us are thinking homeowners want their upside down homes burned to the ground, alleviating their financial problems. 

Come to think off it, fires might provide all of us reason to take a deeper, introspective look at how we live and what is really important. With brush fires in California, we often have warnings, and those warnings result in evacuations. Homeowners grab what they can and then flee toward safety.

Quick, you have 30 minutes to take what’s important and leave – what do you take? All that other stuff you are willing to leave behind, do you need it? Do you even want it?

Why do you have it?

We can’t blame D.C. lawmakers for everything, for they are simply we. In a land of plenty, we want even more, damned be the costs and the consideration for what we can afford or what might have to be paid later, by others. U.S. consumers – all 300 million of us – had a collective $2.4 trillion of debt in 2010. Let’s just assume that figure has risen over the past 8 months.

A little look at the news and a quick read of the financial section of the newspaper should be required reading for all citizens. But, we’ll need to do it on our smart phone or tablet, so we can do it on the run to back-to-school shopping, or better yet Black Friday after Thanksgiving – nothing like standing in long lines to spend money we don’t have on stuff we don’t need. It’s the great American way in our United States of Consumers.

Then again, I could be wrong – it’s just this guy’s opinion.

Tweet me between visits to Starbucks @RayHartjen

The first three strikes should have been an out

Moammar Gadhafi’s son was killed by a NATO missile yesterday, along with three grandchildren, furthering his own personal tragedies as the entrenched strongman of Libya. You might recall that he lost another son in the 80’s, at the hands of a U.S.-led airstrike.
You’d wonder how much of it would be enough, right? Seemingly forever, the crazed madman has been the pimple on the backside of everybody in the geopolitical community, the burr under the proverbial saddle. Even Libya’s friends don’t like or trust him, and nearly everyone this side of Kim Jong-il would rather see him step down, if not for a jail cell or a hangman’s noose, at the very least a secluded country exile estate in the middle of nowhere.

That’s what 30 years of state-sponsored terrorism will get you – seclusion and isolation, and no friends to turn to when your subjects – er, citizens – begin their rebellion.

That it’s taken this long to have him on his heels and scrambling to maintain control is a wonder. It’s not like the entire world couldn't realize something was amiss from the very start. The clues were overpowering.

First off, the name, naturally.

Ol’ Moammar burst on the scene as Gadhafi, Gaddafi, Qaddafi, Khadafy, and Khadafi. Never before had more people been more confused, save the first world-wide telecast of the World Cup soccer tournament, when viewers wondered aloud if the Dutch and Holland were different teams than the Netherlands. And, of course, that was just his surname. Forget that Moammar can also be Muammar. Or that it’s perfectly fine, apparently, to put an “al” in front of any of the last names, ala al-Gadhafi.

Frankly, it’s poor branding. Who cares that the root of the problem lies in the translation of Arabic? You got to use what the customers use, or in this case, the rest of the world. A good PR team, probably executed on his rise to power, would have settled on one spelling. A great PR team would have settled on just one lasting, iconic name. It worked for Elvis and Madonna, and in politics, it’s worked recently in the U.S. for W, Bill, and Barack. You hear, you know. A bad name dooms the regime form the start.

Aside from the name, there’s a bigger problem. When you’re the dictator, the ultimate ruler, what title do you bestow on yourself? For me, I’m going with Your Highness, Extreme Excellency, etc. Even the demure title of President is cool. But, Colonel? Please, you can’t get global respect among your tyrannical peers with the title of Colonel.

For crying out loud, Colonel Klink was a Colonel, and he didn’t know what the fuck was going on in the tunnels underneath him.

Think about it - Moammar has officers in his own army that out rank him.  Well, at least technically.  He doesn't seem the sort to not get his way, and a bullet, as it has for centuries, continues to be one heck of a persuader.

The third strike the global community seemingly missed was his fashion sense, those words being used in the most liberal of all possible meanings, I'm afraid. Moammar, really? Now, the fatigues on occasion, while awfully Fidel-esque in general terms, are a little pussified with some unnecessary color and bling. However, it is a uniform, and there’s something about that, so I’ll cut you some slack on that account.

But, the Vegas/Barney pajamas - c’mon man. The last time we saw something like that was Reuben in the Clooney/Pitt remake of “Ocean’s Eleven.” Oh, Moammar, it should be pointed out that Elliot Gould’s character, and his wardrobe, was a parody; you know, for laughs.

So, when you break it down to its core elements, the worldwide community should have known that Moammar was a troubled guy who not only needed to go, but probably need not ascend to power in the first place. Now, he’s dug in deeper than a tick on a Tennessee bloodhound, and is giving no indication of leaving gracefully.

The people of Libya will continue to suffer; Gadhafi himself will continue to suffer. But, the end will come, and it will likely come soon. Afterwards, we can only hope the UN passes a resolution and makes the “three strikes” inrrefutable doctrine; a criteria for instant dismissal of a country's leader.
Of course, that’s just this guy’s opinion.
Tweet me @RayHartjen

What Next After Egypt’s Internet Revolution?

After weeks of digging in like a Tennessee tick on a hound dog, Egypt’s de facto President/Dictator emeritus, Hosni Mubarak, hightailed it out of the country and turned the reigns over to the military. In what was widely viewed as the Internet’s first revolution, proclamations of victory for the people resonated from Twitter feeds around the globe. Yes, shouts of victories from the Twitterverse and blogsphere, the vast majority of whom aren’t Egyptian. I shit you not.


Oddly, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hailed the victory for the people, fresh off using military hit squads to murder protestesr and opposition supporters in his own country just a couple of years ago. Again, I shit you not.

Of course, Ahmadinejad cloaked his proclamation as a victory over the “satanic” influences of the West (read: the United States of America). Unconfirmed are rumors that he celebrated by going out and buying a new, ill-fitting, not-so-stylish brown suit.

So, okay, internet citizenry, what’s next? We can’t just go haphazardly overthrowing governments in the name of democracy without executing a good follow-up plan. Where’s the follow-up plan for Egypt?

First, it better entail cleaning up all the mess of the past few weeks and making the country safe for tourists. Without tourism, Egypt is forced to fall back on its secondary and tertiary industries of … yeah, I’m stumped on that one too. Textiles? Sure, that’s just the sweatshop industry to bring hope of prosperity to a country with double-digit unemployment, a GDP per capita of just $6,200 US, and over 20% of the population living in poverty.

Listen, before we go get the internet up in a storm over some other country, let’s finish the job in Egypt. That entails, my friends, doing some big-time praying and crossing of fingers, for the ambiguity of the near- and long-term future of the country opens the doors to some not-so-pleasant outcomes.

For the United States, and pretty much all of the non-Muslim world, there are two major question marks surrounding Mubarak’s exit, primarily:

1. What’s the status of the Suez Canal? Said differently, will it stay open to American warships and international commerce vessels?

2. What’s the status of Egypt’s peace treaty with Israel?  Said differently, what are the odds of the entire Middle East being eventually nuked  into a sheen of solid glass?

Did you wonder by Ahmadinejad was so happy today? He sees an opportunity – a door open for him to stick in his toe and the toes of the Muslim Brotherhood. With that door open, there’s lots of room to come in, rearrange the furniture, raid the refrigerator, and fondle the maid.

The best case scenario involves an open and public debate and conversation in Egypt, with the people choosing moderation and common sense, freedom and liberty. The worst case scenario involves replacing a corrupt dictatorship with a radical Islamic regime, providing no economic or political gain to the populace and doing nothing more than pushing worldwide defense systems closer to DefCon 1.

An interesting couple of months are ahead for all of us, Twitter and Facebook accounts notwithstanding. The internet revolution is the easy part. The internet reconstruction is a hell of a lot more difficult.

Of course, that’s just this guy’s opinion.

Tweet me up at @RayHartjen

The Price to Pay to be American

Being American – or, at the very least, living in America – is great. In one afternoon stroll through a Safeway, we see more food than some people see in their entire lifetime. We have healthcare. Sometimes expensive healthcare, but healthcare nonetheless. Pizza delivery? Check. Internet porn? At our fingertips.


Truly, we have an abundance – our cups often runneth over. C’mon, think about it: the swimming pools in our very own backyards are filled with perfectly good drinking water.

We have so much in America, that we hold a weird spot in the view of the rest of the world. Oh, they love to talk crap about America and the people who live here. Some even hate us. Hate. That’s a pretty strong word. That is until an earthquake rumbles, a volcano erupts, or typhoon sweeps. Aside from being the world police deterring freak jobs from cracking off AK’s in streets from Timbuktu to unnamed villages too, our military is the first to deliver aid and care to every helping hand that’s extended.

By the way, big thanks to those in the armed services.

And for you haters out there, you’re welcome. Now shut your cakehole.

Yes, living in America is great. We enjoy – and sometimes take for granted – freedom and liberty that are unimaginable in many parts of the world. Heck, I can even criticize the government and not have to worry about the next knock on my door.

Of course, living in America is a liberty that doesn’t come free. The bill does come due every so often. I consider it the price to pay to be American.

The first bill comes due with jury duty. To live in the best country with the best judicial system created thus far (in the absence of the “whatever-Ray-says-is-law” system, that is), we have to, on very rare occasions, serve as jury members to provide judgment on our peers.

Now, is that really that tough to do? Hell, no it’s not. While it might not be the ultimate in convenience, if that’s the price I have to pay to enjoy the liberties of living in this country, then so be it. Too many others have fought and sacrificed to provide me that liberty – and occasional obligation.

What others are thinking, I don’t understand. In some cases, they should feel flat out embarrassed. I’m talking about the jury duty dodgers, of course. There’s the usual dodging of even showing up in the first place – letters of bogus hardships, etc.

A whole new level of dodging then takes place during the jury interview phase. It often goes something like this:

Judge: Any reason why you should be considered to be dismissed from jury consideration for this trial.

Douche: Oh, hell no, judge. I’m dying to flip the switch on the electric chair for that person. She should fry, I don’t care what her crime is. And, is she a minority too? That settles it!

Judge: That will be all. You can be excused.

We should have those potential jurors clean our sewers instead.

Jury duty is just one of the prices we have to pay. The bigger bill comes due the first Tuesday of November. Election Day. Or, rather, the weeks leading up to election day.

The good is the democratic election of our leaders. Can’t beat that. The bad is the campaigning leading up to the democratic election. For crying out loud, wake me when it’s over.

This last week, I’ve been bombarded with phone calls from various campaigns. Whatever happened to the “Do Not Call” list, anyway? Wasn’t that the purpose in the first place?

Not to outdone, I’m pretty sure a nice-sized parcel of rain forest has been cut down to create the campaign junk mailers I’ve received this month. Today, alone, nearly 50% of the items in my mailbox were campaign materials – three from one guy alone (David Harmer, running for U.S. Congress)!

Ah, but that’s just “snail mail.” Don’t get me started on the junk email I’ve been getting. Rather, don’t get me too started, since I’ve already started.

Despite a rigorous junk mail filter, the annoying emails with subject lines ranging from panhandling to fear-provoking, trickle in constantly through the course of the day. It’s odd that we’ve legislated laws condemning “spamming,” as it’s often a cause of great expense to organizations and individuals alike. Well, I mean there’s nothing odd about that legislation or the reasoning behind. It’s odd that it seems to apparently not apply to candidates and political parties.

Have you ever asked to “unsubscribe” to the emails? First, it’s rather unsettling you have to ask to unsubscribe to something you never subscribed to in the first place. But, what’s more aggravating is the spam continues on, only from different people. Instead of receiving a message for the Chair of the Republican National Committee, you’ll instead receive one from the Secretary, and so on down the line.

It’s not just a Republican thing either. Same goes with the Democrats, who are even more e-savvy, what with the internet invented by Al Gore and all.

I’m of the mind to shoot off an email to both parties telling them that if I receive one more email from them, I’ll vote straight party ticket for the other party.

Ah, what am I thinking – that will never work. Even a dumb-ass politician would be smart enough to figure out how to send an email under an alias naming the other party, thus “earning” my vote.

Oh well, it’s the price to pay to enjoy being an American, I suppose. Guess I just have to suck it up. But, I have to tell you – that Harmer fella better have one helluva platform, because I’m about set to go out and campaign for his opponent.

That’s me passing judgment in the jury of just this guy’s opinion. Of course, there’s a small chance I might be wrong.

Tweet your vote @RayHartjen.

4 Reasons American Culture Will Always Reject Soccer

The FIFA World Cup Final takes center stage around the world on Sunday – finally. Now, I love the World Cup. At least I want to. Really. I dig “the beautiful game” when countries are playing. I’ll wake up in the early morning and watch any country – even North Korea – square off against another. I’ll activate my vuvuzela app on my iPhone and root for the team with the coolest jerseys (I favor ones with vertical stripes and little collars).

As much as I love the World Cup though, I have to say – I hate soccer. Again, I want to like it. After all, how can 7 billion people around the globe wrong about something?

Well, after many hours of dutiful research, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are wrong about soccer. Dead wrong.

Every four years, the talk across the United States is that this will be the year, finally, that the United States becomes a soccer country. Nope. It will never happen, for there are four simple reasons why America culture will always reject soccer.

Reason #1: Play acting. For the love of God, the amount of acting in a soccer match makes it more theater than athletic contest. As if that’s not bad enough, we’re stuck with the fact the acting is horrible; so bad that it makes the acting in pornos look good. Players are addicted to the play acting. Get touched, or even close to being touched? Stop moving your feet, throw your arms up in the air, and fall down, as if shot by a sniper. Get hit in the leg? Fall down, grab your face, and feign mortal injury by re-enacting the death scene from Othello. Miss the goal by a mere 10 meters as your shot goes twenty rows into the stands? Turn to the cameras, raise your hands to heavens, and prepare for your super slow motion spot on TVs around the world.

Ugh. I thought Charlton Heston was the master of overacting and “chewing the scenery.” Turns out every prima donna in a No. 10 jersey has him beat.

Reason #2: The stretcher. Really, it’s part of the play acting, but is so egregious it deserves its own callout. When you see a stretcher carried out on the field during an American football game, or a hockey rink, or any other sport around the world for that matter, you can rest assured bad, bad things are going on down there. Soccer? Not so much.

99% of the players carried off on a stretcher return to action in minutes. Apparently soccer trainers and doctors have invented a miracle healer that they have carefully hidden in water bottles. A quick spray over the affected area – typically either the head or one of the legs – and the player is up off the stretcher and signaling the referee that he wants to return to the pitch.

C’mon. Really? Are you serious? Either you’re faking it and acting – again, more poorly than a porn star - or your doctor is hiding a miracle cure from the entire world, which means you’re all complete douches. Take your pick – neither is good.

In America, we love heroes, particularly those who stand tall and proud, and persevere through all obstacles, including a little cleat mark. You know, John Wayne and all. As long as soccer players keep acting like pussies, our collective sporting attention will continue to be drawn to the NFL and other – yes, I’m about to say it – real sports.

Reason #3: Playing referee during the game. The typical soccer player spends more time during a match with his hand in the air trying to capture the referee’s attention than a rented mule tends to licking his wounds. How many times have you seen a player during this World Cup get caught out of position because he’s trying to sell a foul or an offsides call to the referee rather than playing full tilt?

Dudes, enough already. Just shut the f up and play.

Sure, this World Cup has been plagued by some high-profile, poor officiating. Who cares? That’s sports. Players are supposed to play. In American sports, we love the players and teams who out perform the other. If they’re getting screwed by the officials, that’s even better. There’s more honor in overcoming and persevering than there is in whining and having a dude in a striped shirt be the deciding factor. Bring the honor back to soccer (see play acting, above), and maybe we care a little bit more.

Reason #4: Playing not to lose. What? Play for a tie? Absolutely, positively, undeniably un-American! The old saying “a tie is like kissing your sister” is an old saying for a reason – it’s based in truth. Ties suck and no one wants to see them. As much as Landon Donovan and his mates on the US team mustered up a bite-sized bit of enthusiasm for soccer this last month, snooze fests like Brazil and Portugal’s nil-nil draw brought it back twice as far. One step forward, two steps back.

Everyone likes a winner. Many even love the “lovable loser.” Nobody likes a neutralized, neutered “tie-er.” Our American sporting legends are either time-honored champions or equally as time-honored warriors who “went out swinging” or “carried out on their shields.” There’s honor and glory in both winning and losing. In between, nothing but regret – for playing, for watching, for everything.

So, there you have it. It’s all so easy when you conduct scientific research and break it down to the facts – four reasons American culture will forever reject soccer.

Change the game with some minor adjustments, and the tune might be sung differently. Until then, I’ll watch the final on Sunday and forget about soccer for another four years. It’s not like I’ll be missing a boat load of action. In those four years, there’ll probably be only 12 to 14 goals scored.

Total.

At least that’s this guy’s opinion.

Tweet your soccer hatred @RayHartjen